Jake Gyllenhaal Never Had Gay Sex in Velvet Buzzsaw and I’m Mad

While heterosexuals around the country were masticating chicken wings and cheering on their favorite football team, I was engaging in the time honored tradition of ignoring the Super Bowl in favor of campier entertainment. While munching on overpriced pizza and refusing to engage with everyone's thirst tweets about Adam Levine, I decided to instead thirst over Jake Gyllenhaal in Velvet Buzzsaw, Netflix's lowbrow horror take on the extremely highbrow art world. The film centers on a group of art insiders who find themselves stalked by cursed paintings recovered from a dead man's apartment, each meeting a grisly death after profiting from the late artist's work.

One of those insiders is Morf Vandewalt (Gyllenhaal), an art critic with a godlike influence over the Los Angeles art scene. Morf's reviews can make or break an artist's career, and he's clearly meant to stand in for the legions of queer men in exquisitely tailored suits you can find milling about any upscale gallery opening, flute of Veuve Clicquot in hand. Gyllenhaal is endlessly hilarious as Morf, a tyrant who hides behind an unassuming mask of a particularly gay breed of nebbishness -- his hair flat and unstyled, his beautiful face obscured by clunky glass, his ridiculous body made accessible in well-cut suits. But despite the pains Gyllenhaal and writer/director Dan Gilroy have taken to create this obvious art fag, Morf's main love interest in the film is a woman. Which, fine! The character is bisexual, that's great, happy for him.

But we couldn't at least get one hot gay sex scene? When the film begins, Morf has a gorgeous live-in boyfriend named Ed (who swims naked in his pool while the critic fastidiously writes his reviews) who he dumps for the ruthlessly ambitious Josephina (Zawe Ashton) without ever getting his cheeks clapped. I want my money back!

Why would you have Gyllenhaal play the gayest role of his career -- gayer than being Heath Ledger's literal bottom in Brokeback Mountain -- and only give him straight sex scenes? This movie is gay enough to feature Toni Collette in a blonde bob with bangs but not gay enough to feature Jake Gyllenhaal having actual gay sex? Trump's America!

A more serious take might wonder if, as some have suggested, the movie wants to check off the representation box by having a queer character without showing them actually being queer. But this isn't a serious take, and I'm just mad that we don't have any GIFs of Jake Gyllenhaal giving head -- it's what the people want and what we deserve. Queer sex scenes featuring Jake Gyllenhaal are what the gay rights movement was founded on -- not many people know this, but the gay sex scenes from Brokeback Mountain threw the first brick at Stonewall. Without new Gayenhaal content, what will we do now?

RELATED | Read This BEFORE Watching Netflix's Latest Thriller, Velvet Buzzsaw