Reading Drag Race: Born This Naked, or, Use Your Nude Illusion 2

The tucks have been tightened, the engines have been started and the queens are out for blood -- that's right, you gays, RuPaul's Drag Race is back for its seventh season. We've got new queens, new judges and new T to spill. First the goils made their entrances in a completely natural and unrehearsed fashion.

A Real "Ru's Who?"

Max said it in print, but only five minutes in, we get to see the level of shade we're dealing with this season when Ms. Fame decided to -- Extra! Extra! -- read all about it.

Don't you, though? Don't you? Meanwhile, Kandy Ho apparently just hopped off the 6 after dropping by J. Lo's storage space in the South Bronx.

Though the night's most memorable entrance came from (spoiler) the first queen to exit, Tempest DuJour.

Her Phyllis Diller-inspired drag didn't sit well with some of the queens, namely Kandy, who's already neck and neck with Violet Chacki for biggest bitch of the season.

Really! Really, though. Where's the goddamn respect for your drag elders? Just kidding, this is Drag Race, Tempest is lucky Kandy didn't just start rifling thorugh her purse for two forms of ID and any stray prescription pills.

On the other hand, Violet's shadiness just comes from being up her own ass all the time where no light can possibly hope to penetrate.

Don't you sit there with that top knot and play dumb with me, bitch, I've got your number. And it's top 3.

The Mini-Challenge:

There's usually only one runway to worry about, but for the season's first challenge, the ladies had to serve Fall and Spring looks to a panel of fashion industry insiders including Alaska Wintour (nee Thunderfuck 5000). Ms. Wintour came with her Vogue bookmarked for quick reads.

Some of the ladies were up for the challenge -- others...not so much.

Ms. Fame, yay.

Sasha, nay.

Max, Pearl, Ms. Fame and Violet Chacki established themselves early on as the high fashion queens of the bunch, offering various levels of gag eleganza.

I'd like a little less panty on Violet here because we're waltzing into BDSM territory, but the '60s reference has been noted and appreciated.

Pearl was quick to drop her New York credentials, and ready to slap anyone who dared question her use of an off-season fur.

It's called the glamorous life. Look it up.

While Max reminds me of last season's other quirky, one-named queen -- Milk -- Max is more diverse with a more refined sense of style. And this runway walk deserves all the awards.

Kristen McMenamy, is that you? Meanwhile, out of drag, Max turns into a young, vaguely French Morrissey:

The more stately queens opted for pageant glamour, such as Kennedy Davenport's look, "Oprah shooting O Magazine's March cover":

Or Jasmine Masters' "Patti LaBelle, live in concert":

I will say, though, Jasmine and Sasha are giving me my favorite trend thus far this season: the subtle, titty-grazing drop earring:

Violet reminded us, however, that this is the big leagues and a crop top-pencil skirt combo is cute, but it's a little amateur hour when there's a tartan reveal to be made.

This trash pulled a Wonder Woman and nearly knocked new judge Carson Kressley off his chair.

Even Alaska Wintour approved.

The Main Stage:

This week's final runway was inspired by a nude illusion, so the best looks were behind us by the time Ms. Fame revealed her custom "fashion poncho."

Jasmine's cocoon left Carson and fellow new judge Ross Mathews perplexed.

Until she revealed that her butterfly was Solange Knowles and/or Kim Wayans.

Channeling Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" parapalegic posturing, Max ran away with the show, or at least hobbled away in haste.

But in the end, Violet took top honors for her sweet tartan turn and for serving more ribs than Outback Steakhouse.

Then she immediately made it clear that it's going to be really hard to root for her:

There's nothing worse than a cocky queen. But she's suffering from a case of the Terrible 22s and life has yet to knock her down a few pegs. That's what Mama Ru's for.

Life-Giving Lip-Synch Moment:

I called TKO as soon as I realized mortal enemies/casual acquaintances Tempest DuJour and Kandy Ho were going to Lip Synch for Their Lives(tm). Cue Ru's latest club banger, "Geronimo" and Kandy drops it not only like it's hot, but like that shit has third degree burns -- also providing us with the season's first (but hopefully not last) split:

Tempest, god bless her, got lost in the ensuing booty storm.

The Ruveal:

I can't help but think Kandy got bottom two for her boneheaded ageist comments, especially when RuPaul is 300 years old and still more flawless than all of those queens put together.

Best Runway Reaction:

When that Russian trashbag Katya bent over and showed the judges her budding rose, guest judge Kathy Griffin nearly tore the surgical staples from about her temple.

Best Runway Read:

From Ms. Griffin to Mrs. Kasha Davis

Shadiest Moment:

National treasure Michelle Visage taking Kandy to task for her "contoured beard." That's literal and figurative shade, children.

Very Special Moment:

No episode of Drag Race would be complete without a touching heart-to-heart, especially now that the mascara marathon Untucked has seemingly passed on. Here, Trixie Mattel discusses a boyfriend's parents who didn't want him dating a drag queen.

Parting Words:

Sashay away, Tempest DuJour. Also, what's with these new Ru trophies? And where can I get one?

Les Fabian Brathwaite has had pelvic exams more thrilling than this.