Navigating the world as a trans woman isn't easy, and outside of structural violence and oppression, trans women face microaggressions from well meaning cis folks everyday in the form of thoughtless questions and comments that could easily be avoided if people just used common sense. But that happens... rarely.
With that in mind, here are a few things you should never, under no circumstances, under penalty of never being able to watch Pose again, say to a trans woman.
The word “tranny.”
This goes without saying, right? If you're not trans you can't say this. It doesn't matter if you do drag, or crossdress, or your trans friend told you it was OK once when you were both drunk. This is a slur that has been used to harm and oppress trans women for decades, and while we may have reclaimed it and enjoy its use, you can't say it. You can't! Even you, RuPaul!
Can I help you, sir?
This should be obvious -- don't misgender trans folks! If you need a primer on steps to take if you do accidentally misgender someone, that exists. But how about just not assuming anyone's gender and deferring to neutral modes of address like partner -- big yeehaw vibes.
You’re actually so pretty!
This is something cis women love to say to trans girls. "Oh my god, you're actually so pretty!" The implication being that you're trans, so you shouldn't be. Or: You're prettier than me!" You, prettier than me, an actual woman. No! Feel free to tell me I'm beautiful, but it shouldn't be surprising to you, because that's literally just transmisogyny.
What did your name used to be?
Absolutely not! For most trans folks, deadnames are a triggering source of pain and dysphoria, and a lot of us still have to deal with them daily because of the insurmountably bureaucratic process of having them legally changed or dealing with family. It doesn't matter if you're curious -- this isn't something you get to be curious about.
Calling us goddesses.
This is a phenomenon seemingly specific to gay men, who either don't see us at all or want to put us up on a pedestal, but that pedestal still makes us an other, and hinges cis acceptance of trans women on our presentation and ability to pass. I'm not a goddess, I'm a woman at a Sweetgreen trying to talk the person behind the counter into giving me an extra hard boiled egg for free!
Can I see a photo of you before?
This is another instance of cis fascination with transition and trans bodies rather than trans people. We transitioned for a reason, because we were unhappy with our assigned gender and presentation, so asking us to provide physical evidence of that for you to gawk at is incredibly harmful and just plain fucked up.
Have you had ‘the surgery?’
My tonsils? Yeah, I had them removed during college and I had to smoke weed through my nose for four days. Oh, you mean what kind of genitals do I have? What a totally chill, normal question to ask someone you've just met. Again, many cis folks have an endless fascination with trans bodies and also a pervasive idea that there is one surgery that every trans woman gets -- generally they mean sexual reassignment surgery -- but that isn't true for all trans people. This is regularly the first thing trans celebrities like Laverne Cox and Janet Mock are asked during interviews -- can you imagine what would happen if I asked Tina Fey if she had a pussy?
You’re so brave.
This is well meaning, but it's also so annoying. Trans women are brave, but we don't need you to tell us that because it's just another reminder that we have to be, in yet another way for you to set our experience as opposed to yours. We're not your triumphant inspiration porn, and we don't need you to affirm our experiences by telling us something we already know. Channel that into action by supporting organizations like TLDEF or going to protests when trans women of color are murdered or calling your representatives to demand trans folks be allowed to serve in the military, or at the bare minimum watch an episode of Pose. Be brave!
8 Things You Should Never Say to a Trans Woman