Mark Simpson on Military Male Maneuvers — in Thongs

Advertisers are very keen on images of male sluttiness. Otherwise known as the sexualization of the male body and its presentation as something "passive" or "objectified" for our visual pleasure in the way that women's bodies have been.

Though frankly they're way behind many of today's young men themselves -- young men like those naughty, naked posh Warwick University Rowers, with their gloriously tarty (but tastefully shot) calendars and videos fighting homophobia in sport and raising money for renovating their boathouse.

But even non-posh young men on actual 'active duty', rather than studying at college, seem to want to be objectified too. This eye-popping video made by British Army soldiers (for nothing but laughs) is a genius parody of the famous/notorious "Construction Tools Calendar" video for Benny Benassi's "Satisfaction," but with an all-male cast gyrating in (stuffed) pants while they clean their kit and iron their uniforms -- or "admin," as this kind of military housework is called.

Note how the "ringleader" who meets us in the hallway and takes us to the "orgy" has the best arse. I bet this video was all his idea. And all the thongs belong to him.

But despite this heroic effort, the British Army is, frankly, blown out of the water in the sluttiness stakes by Her Majesty's Royal Marines with their historic parody of "Call On Me" -- which seems to have been directed by Visconti and choreographed by Richard O'Brien.

Once again, the ringleader has the most to show off -- and appears to be having the most fun doing it. But it is the climax of this clip that clinches it -- with commendable dedication, the gay porn poses in the kinky tableau in the semi-simulated "climax" seem to have been very well-researched.

It is also inspiring to see how the brave Bootnecks don't appear to have much fear of physical intimacy with other males. (Swedish Marines, by contrast, are more modest -- keeping their clothes on in their campy version of "Greased Lightning" - but they do at least engage in a bit of gay porn.)

Like many of those more familiar homemade videos featuring mostly heterosexual soldiers "acting gay" by lip-synching to Gaga in big draughty hangers in occupied desert countries it would be wrong to read too much into the these "acting slutty" videos. They are mostly done for shits and giggles -- and to relieve the boredom. And possibly the horniness.

But part of the reason why they relieve the boredom of military life is because they are an escape from the traditional, regimented -- but increasingly obsolete, even in the military -- coding of masculinity as always active, never passive. Always top, never bottom. Always straight, never gay. Always studly, never slutty.

Always camouflaged, never thonged.

Mark Simpson is the daddy of the metrosexual, retrosexual & spornosexual. Read more at MarkSimpson.com