21 Ways I’m Straight 'Just Without the Physical Act'

Actor Andrew Garfield recently inspired me to come out of the closet (or dip a toe back in). Today, I'm publicly admitting that I'm a straight man right now just without the physical act--that's all. Here are the ways I'm straight just without, you know, vaginal sex:

1. I built a bookcase by myself on Sunday.

2. Once I went into a PacSun by choice.

3. My favorite X-Men are Wolverine, Wolverine, and Wolverine.

4. I described a devastatingly gorgeous sunset as "nice" last week.

5. I bought stock in Buffalo Wild Wings.

6. After I joined Ancestry.com I found out my grandfather literally invented the foam hand.

7. I saw Entourage in movie theaters when it came out.

8. Chili-cheese dogs.

9. Once, when I was a tailgating a Chainsmokers concert, I threw up from drinking too much Four Loko.

10. I went to a tailgate.

11. I identified the model of a car from over a block away.

12. I backed a Hummer Limo into an Old Country Buffet while high-fiving all my bros.

13. I chugged a Gatorade at a gym once.

14. I've sang "All Summer Long" at karaoke.

15. I've Googled "how to fuck a watermelon" before.

16. I've headbutted some chips and dip at a Super Bowl party.

17. I opted for renting hockey skates instead of figure skates at a public ice skating rink once.

18. I own 47,000 pairs of Adidas flip-flops.

19. Last week I ran to my train when the track number was announced.

20. Yesterday I jumped to hit something that's hanging high up just to show that I can

21. I'm wearing plaid boxers right now.