Unleavened Lohan

After this week's Tragic Event, there's a good chance Lindsay Lohan, a Catholic, did not spend last night drinking Manischewitz. (Or if she did, she was moping with a bottle alongside the railroad tracks, like we used to in college, not sharing it at the seder table.) It was just a month ago that Page Six reported that Lindsay was considering a conversion to Judaism for her beloved; but, oh, what a month.

Nevertheless! That news got Andy Borowitz thinking about the Talmudic themes in Lohan's life work. To wit: "At the time of its release, most critics saw Mean Girls as a lighthearted satire of the world of high-school cliques. Many Jewish scholars, however, maintain that the film is a complex allegory for the Jews' enslavement under Pharaoh, a theme that was first touched on in Freaky Friday." Left unexplored is her recent foray into psychadelic new wave nostalgia advertising -- if anyone's looking for a master's thesis topic.

--JESSANNE COLLINS

Previously > :(