Project Runway: Diamonds On The Crotch

Christopher -- Self-taught, we're told. Has bothersome chinstrap beard. Cries the most of anybody, even more than Shirin. Even more than Gordana. Squeaks by time after time.

The New Producers of This Show -- You never see them, but they're the people who decided that giving the winner and bottom two of each episode the most airtime isn't enough of a spoiler, now they have to make sure that those are the first three you hear from on interview-cam right from the get-go. Next season they're going to experiment with flashing lights hovering over the designers' heads just in case you still don't get what they're trying to say.

Nicolas -- Closest thing they have to a "love to hate" personality. Talks shit about other designers. Seems most likely to commit actual treachery, just hasn't done so yet. Is extremely irritating. Inspired a conversation at my house last night about Gay Voice. Why do some Gay Voices sound nice, like Tim Gunn's, and some sound like nails on a chalkboard, like Nicolas's? A mystery...

Irina -- Best designer of this season. Knows it. Is unfriendly. Is, in fact, the Charles Bronson of unfriendliness. Mean and devastating. Even Nicolas calls her a bitch. And he should know. Camera loves her imperious glare.

Althea -- Oh, wait, she's still on this show?

Nina Garcia and Michael Kors -- Now trading places on the judging panel. Must not want to be in the same room together anymore.

Christina Aguilera -- The celebrity for whom the designers were creating a Bob Mackie-style costume. Is discussed frequently during the episode, yet no music was cleared for broadcast, no video clips shown, not even a photograph to let you know who this person might be. Logan could have used that help. Shows up to judge at the end. Is totally fond of using the word "totally." ("I would totally wear that." "I would totally trip and fall in that.")

Heidi Klum -- Consistently perfect, even when all around her is in negative flux. Gets all the best retorts when designers are collapsing in tears, trying to explain why the challenge ruined them. Tells Gordana she's lucky to have immunity from elimination this week. Gordana, in turn, describes her attempt to work with the beaded material as a "disaster." Klum response: "That's the way it looked, too."

Now you can dump those early episodes.

-- DAVE WHITE

Previously > Project Runway: D-I-V-O-R-C-E