Trailer Trash: 'John Carter'

"John Carter" looks like one hell of a movie. There are aliens and dragons and what looks like some sort of really fat cat made of sand. It's set in one of those old-timey futures. Taylor Kitsch is wearing very little. So of course we couldn't help but sit around watching the trailer and weighing in on it for you.

Annie Chia: "You are ugly, but you are beautiful, you will fight for us." If I had a nickel for every time a guy fed me that line...

Mike Berlin: Aside from Taylor Kitsch in a loin cloth, nothing will stop my from spending my fantasy movie budget on something else that month.

Max Berlinger: This trailer basically makes me realize how easily a well-placed song can manipulate me. I was not feeling this at all. It's not a rom-com that centers around a wedding and J. Lo isn't starring so my interest was low from the get-go. Even man nipples and blue blood weren't revving my engines. Then, along comes the opening chords to Led Zepplin's "Kashmir," and I'm magically soooooo into this movie. Go figure.
William Van Meter: The Matrix ruined action movies forever, please bring back the rubber suits. This is like if they made the cover of Led Zeppelin's Houses of the Holy into a movie.

Jon Roth: I dig the art design, I'm worried the green guys are related to Jar Jar Binks, and I LOVE watching a guy in a leather harness spout no-nonsense catch phrases like "That don't look like a fair fight," and "Get on." That last directive alone will have me in the theater.

Justin Ocean: Not a clue what this movie's even about--except the glories of the Ab Diet and Vidal Sassoon--but I'm guessing that somewhere, George Lucas just came a little. Straight up CGI porn.

Adam Rathe: I have a Friday Night Lights freak in my life, so I'm contractually required to see anything starring Taylor Kitsch. It might not be my usual fare, but at least there are monsters and fight scenes and not meet-cutes with Cameron Diaz or something awful like that.