Oscars 2013: Snubs and Surprises

The Oscar noms were announced by Emma Stone and Seth MacFarlane this morning, which means there are now at least ten movies that you need to see before February 24th. OR you can just forget about the movies altogether, get wasted from a bottle of Andre on Oscars night and judge the nominees' outfits throughout the ceremony like the rest of the country. Either way, you should at least go into the ceremony knowing who got robbed this morning.

Best Picture: NO ONE. The Academy literally could not decide who to give Best Picture noms to, so they just handed them out to NINE MOVIES. Like yeah, there's this whole new(ish) voting system that's responsible for it, but I'm still not over it and am going to judge the Academy pretty hard for it. (But I guess if we're going to be real, Skyfall sort of got snubbed? It was actually picking up some awards season steam for a while.)

Best Actor: John Hawkes, a fave for his role in The Sessions, got visibly snubbed here. But I'm pretty sure no one saw that movie, so let's focus on the fact that Joaquin Phoenix received a nom for The Master despite calling the Oscar race -- and this is a direct quote -- "total, utter bullshit." Hey Academy, did you not hear that? He called your campaign process BULLSH*T. Are you just going to take that sitting down? Like, if I were you, I wouldn't have nominated him. But even that wouldn't have been enough, so I would have also written into Emma Stone's script: "And wanna know who didn't get an Oscar nomination this morning? Joaquin Phoenix, because he SUCKS."

Best Actress: Marion Cotillard was supposed to get a nom for her performance as a legless killer whale trainer in Rust and Bone, but once again, I'm pretty sure no one's seen that. What really sticks out is that a nine-year-old -- Quvenzhane Wallis -- got a nom for Beasts of the Southern Wild, putting every human being on earth to shame. Um, what were you doing when you were nine? Probably chewing on your Lisa Frank pencil and learning not to pick your nose in public, right? RESPECT this nine-year-old.

(I'd also like to point out that Best Actress nominee Jennifer Lawrence won something called "The Face of Heroism Award" at the People's Choice Awards last night. Granted, she won it for her role in The Hunger Games, but I'm pretty sure "I am The Face of Heroism" sounds even more impressive than "I am an Oscar nominee.")

Best Supporting Actor: Once again, no one. And as Emma Stone pointed out, literally all of these nominees have won Oscars before. Stop bogarting the Oscars, guys! Plenty of other worthy nominess could've taken these spots -- like Zac Efron in The Paperboy or Trey Songz in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Wait.

Best Supporting Actress: Speaking of The Paperboy, Nicole Kidman got snubbed for her role. I guess she pissed on Zac Efron for nothing!! Also, Professor McGonagall/The Dowager Countess/Maggie Smith didn't get a nom for The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. Nothing for Maggie?? You're WRONG, Academy. I hope you know that a thousand angels just died in heaven. (PS - Jacki Weaver was actually a huge surprise for her role in Silver Linings Playbook.)

Best Director: Nothing for Ben Affleck? But Argo was so good! Also, Affleck directed himself in a shirtless scene, thus improving the lives of women and gay men everywhere. Ugh. "Argo f*ck yourself," Academy. (Also, the Academy somehow overlooked Tom Hooper for Les Mis, even though the man literally brought ENTIRE movie theaters to tears around the country.)

Best Screenplay: No real snubs in the Original Screenplay category, but what about writer/director Stephen Chbosky for The Perks of Being a Wallflower in the Adapted Screenplay category? The book it was based on was the ORIGINAL story about a misunderstood gay teen! (Sorry, Glee.)

Best Cinematography, Best Original Song, Best Film Editing, etc.: J/K. No one cares. Happy Thursday!!