'True Blood' Season 5 Finale Recap: It's Billith, Bitch

We've seen Bill Compton play Wii Golf, seduce Sam, and twist his girlfriend's head around, but nothing could've prepared us for THIS. (I.e. Bill exploding into a pool of blood and emerging as an angry, naked vampire goddess hell-bent on killing everything in the universe.) But let's not get ahead of ourselves. There were waaaaay more moments in this episode that had everyone in my living room gasping dramatically. (P.S. By "everyone," I mean me.)

The Season 5 finale opens with Russell getting attacked by angry fairies -- but instead of laughing, taking a picture on his iPhone, and texting it to Lilith with a fun caption ("Fairies think they gonna get me. LOLZ!") -- he decides to eat them. Fair. BUT WAIT. It's Eric!! He tightens his grip around Russell's neck and squeezes, and RUSSELL'S FACE STARTS TO FALL APART. Gasp.com!!!

But then Russell just ... dies. No wild, egomaniacal goodbye speech. No last make-out sesh with the Good Reverend. He's just ... dead. I mean, it's kind of anticlimactic, considering he's the best fictional gay villain since Scar in The Lion King, but whatever. It's fine. Here's hoping that Russell's last words end up going on his tombstone. ("F*ck.")

Meanwhile, at the Authority Complex, Sam has Animorphed into a fly to escape Bill, and Bill -- instead of behaving rationally and buying a fly-swatter at CVS -- HIRES AN ARMY to kill the fly. American troops, take note: True Blood has just demonstrated that there's more than one way to serve your country.

But Sam is too fast for these guys, and manages to meet up with Luna in the nudist colony on the other side of the building. Later, Luna morphs into the Good Reverend, snatches Emma up, and attempts to escape the Complex, but she gets stopped by the Chancellor with the Texan accent because Luna/The Reverend has to make a speech on live TV. But then she accidentally turns into Luna on TV! And tells the world about the Authority! And then Sam flies into the Chancellor's mouth AND THEN THE CHANCELLOR EXPLODES. I can't ... I just ... How did ... WHAT IS HAPPENINGGG.

Also, Luna might be dying.

Bill, on the other hand, is too busy messing around with Salome to realize that a woman just exploded down the hall. First, he lies to Salome about the whole Chancellor Kibwe thing. Then he has clumsy, grunting sex with her. (N.B. Bill, there are more positions than missionary.) THEN he poisons her with silver and kills her! I'm not sure which of those is worse, but if I had to pick one, I would have to say the lying.

Before Bill gets too far in his quest to become the world's biggest douche, Eric and Super Snatch and Tara and Nora and Jason break into the Complex and kill pretty much everyone in sight. (Jason, who's dumber than usual due to a head injury, thinks he's on a mission to avenge his parents' deaths.) Of course, they make it to the nudist colony and save Pam/Jessica, and of course Pam and Tara make out.

Holddddddd up.

Why is there CLASSICAL music playing during the Pam/Tara make out sesh? Um, we need to be realistic about the sort of relationship these two have. They're not, like, romantic. They're not going to go back to Bon Temps and read Emily Dickinson poems to each other on a bed of rose petals. They're going to go back to Bon Temps, rip off each other's clothes, and shag like animals. Possibly at hyperspeed, and most likely involving leather. So can we get a little screamo rock up in here?? Kthxbye.

Later (in a deleted scene which is available on HBO Go), Warlow's name pops up again when Crazy-Jason vows to hunt him down. But here's the shocker: Nora knows alllllll about Warlow. I guess she was paying attention in vampire school!

As Nora and Jason and Pam and Jessica and Tara attempt to escape the building, Super Snatch and Eric make it to Bill's quarters before he can drink Lilith's blood. But despite a heartfelt speech from Snatch and a scared puppydog look from Eric, Bill forgets all his manners and just downs that mess without offering any to either of them. And then he dies.

WHAT? BILL IS DEAD. I CAN'T.

Wait. I guess he isn't? Ohhhhhhhhhh, I get it. He's Lilith! Fun!

OH CRAP. BILL IS LILITH.

BILLITH IS NAKED, ANGRY, COVERED IN BLOOD, AND ROARING.

SNATCH JUST PEED HER PANTS AND PEACED THE EFF OUT OF THE ROOM.

ERIC ALSO PEED HIS PANTS, BUT HE ROARED BACK BEFORE PEACING THE EFF OUT OF THE ROOM.

So he's ... ? Are they ... ? Ugh. I'm speechless for the second time this recap.

Also. Old Lilith, if you're listening, I just want to say that I know we've had our differences, but I truly will miss you. Like, srsly, it's been real. Here's hoping that vampire heaven has a giant spa where you can take daily showers, get weekly bikini waxes, and purchase decent clothes that cover up your magical no-no zone. (Or you can just walk around heaven naked and covered in blood, and people will continue to hate your guts. Up to you, babe.)

In other news, Alcide takes a really strong dose of V and kills J.D. Then, in a truly inspirational move, he delivers a stirring, confident speech about werewolf leadership WHILE TRIPPING ON V. Um, I'm pretty sure most people would only be able to spit out the bare essentials in this scenario ("Dude ... Werewolves ... Can we all just chill, please?")

Also, keep in mind that the entire pack is ALSO tripping on V during this speech. So they're probably like, "Yes, we'll bow down to you. Just please make your face stop melting!"

And last but not least, Sheriff Andy is back in Bon Temps trying to deal with Maurella, but then her freaking light breaks all over the place! (I completely sympathize with the wasted woman when she says, "I have no idea what's happening right now.") Unlike most women, however, Maurella doesn't seem to mind when large, living objects squeeze their way out of her body, because she starts ORGASMING. To make things worse, her orgasms start BREAKING GLASS. Like, I'm pretty sure if I was a straight dude sexing Maurella and she orgasmed like that, I would just dismount her, put my clothes on without a word, leave the room, and never call her again. Also, does she really think it's OK to pop out some small humans and head back to Fairyville without so much as a thanks???

Anyway, I'm sooooo sad to say this, but our time is officially over! I mean, judging by Facebook, there are only about fifteen of you, but still. I'll miss you. And someone PLEASE make a Billith gif! (I have to give a shoutout to @SeakiAche, though, for giving Lilith a makeover and posting it in a comment the other week. I mean, someone needed to trim her pubes.)

Kisses!