All About Eve and the Art of The Read

GIFs: Les Fabian Brathwaite

La La Land may have tied the record for most Oscar nominations set by All About Eve, but it can never measure up to one of the great films not only about celebrity and the entertainment industry, but also about being a real grade-A bitch.

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Let's Talk About Reading

Though everyone and their mama is always talking about shade this and shade that--as you should know by now--reading is the real art form. And All About Eve is a library crammed full of masterpieces.

If you're not familiar with the story, it's Showgirls. Set in the theater. And instead of sequins, it has sparkling wit; and instead of being so bad it's good, it's objectively amazing. Bette Davis delivers a tour de force as HBIC Margo Channing, an aging actress who is not here for anyone's bullshit.

She basically walks through the movie chain-smoking, yelling at everyone, throwing shade like cigarette ash, and doling out unsolicited wisdom, unsparingly.

Or as tart-tongued theater critic Addison DeWitt puts it:

Fasten Your Read Belts--It's Going to Be a Shady Night

Addison is one of Margo's favorite sparring partners/punching bags--

--a coded homosexual who brandishes his pen like a sword and his wit like a chainsaw, Addison is basically the leprechaun guarding the gold at the end of the reading rainbow.

But just about every character in All About Eve is a shady librarian with a finger to the lips and a book at the ready. For instance, Margo's smart-aleck assistant Birdie:

Even her boyfriend Bill:

But if there's any question who's the professor and who the student, Margo has got a syllabus of shade to school anyone who gets in her way.

Touch this skin, Eve. Touch all of this skin.