Republicans: It’s Your Party, You Can Cry If You Want To.

Loud, hostile, and full of rich people confused why they were even there. No, we didn't just describe the Kentucky Derby. We're talking about the opening day of the Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Although, like any horse show, the party did trot out some prized stallions--and a few politicians who should have long been put out to pasture. Presumptive nominee Donald Trump lined up strong speakers to tout his plans to "make America safe again."

If that plan includes protecting us from Trump supporters, we're on board--as are several Republican delegates, judging by the convention's first day.

Let's count down the greatest moments from the first act of the tragicomedy that is the Republican party.

#NeverTrump walks out

During the day, Republican delegates rallied to the floor to protest a Trump candidacy. They tried in vain to force a voice vote on changing party rules. Trying to listen to all those overlapping voices felt a little bit like listening to Pink Floyd records backward. Maybe you hear Satanic messages and maybe you don't, but you still feel like an asshole either way.

The Colorado delegation ultimately walked out of the convention, followed by other #NeverTrump supporters.

Scott "Bae" Baio speaks

Official Hollywood Trump ambassador Scott Baio had a message for young America during his speech Monday.

"For you first-time voters, it's very important for you to know what it means to be American," he said. "It doesn't mean getting free stuff."

Of course. If anyone knows the value of hard work in this country, it's someone from Hollywood. Especially Baio. I mean, you certainly can't get Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 for free. Probably because you can't even give it away.

Giuliani forgets that you never go full xenophobe

The former New York mayor appeared to emphasize the "safe" theme of the evening--only to scare the hell out of anyone watching him.

"We must not be afraid to define our enemy," he said. "It is Islamic, extremist, terrorism."

Got it, Rudy. We weren't aware that Islam was the chosen faith of a vice-president nominee who once proposed draining funds for HIV research to pay for conversion therapy. We were totally blind to how Islam had stalled gun-rights reform in Congress that could have saved 49 lives in Orlando this summer.

Actually, now that we think about it, we're pretty clear on defining our enemy. Thanks anyways, Rudy.

Trump arrives to Queen's "We Are the Champions"

Trump himself made an early appearance for the convention--complete with a WWE-like entrance with rising teleprompters, microphone, and Queen's "We Are the Champions" playing overhead.

Quick question: At what point does someone recoil so much that they should see a chiropractor?

Melania Trump needs a software update

The jewel of the evening was the speech by Melania Trump, who has been accused of plagiarizing a similar speech by Michelle Obama in 2008.

In response, she said, "I read over it maybe once. I wrote it with as little help as possible."

Of that, there is no doubt.

During her speech--where her expression is the actual human embodiment of the Apple spinning rainbow wheel--she also said that Trump is a candidate for all the people. We're assuming she meant to follow up with "on this side of the wall," but we're sure that will get fixed in the next released software patch.