20 Resolutions for 2018 You Are Welcome to Borrow

Every New Year's, without fail, I am stumped when it comes to making resolutions. It's not that I don't know my own flaws, or have ideas about what I want to change about my life -- on the contrary. But it's so hard to synthesize that into real, attainable affirmations that can positively impact my day-to-day life that I always end up overwhelmed and give up.

This year, however, I'm prepared. I've thought long and hard about what a trash heap of a year 2017 was and what I'd like out of 2018. I've thought about all the mistakes I've made, the bridges I've burned, the trauma I've accumulated. I've also thought about the choices that made me happy, the decisions I know were right. After compiling and analyzing all that data, I've come up with 20 resolutions for 2018 and, if you're having as hard a time making your own as I usually do, you are very welcome to adopt them for your own.

1. I will be kinder and more generous to my friends and family.
2. I will not steal that Amazon package that's been sitting outside my apartment building for the past five days. It's probably something stupid, anyway.
3. I will listen to my body more, whether that means staying in when I want to go out, sleeping later when I'd rather get up, eating less when I'd rather have another helping, not having that extra cocktail that would push me over the edge.
4. I will realize that quitting anything, whether it's cigarettes or drinking or drugs or anonymous hookups, is not easy and will take time.
5. I will recognize that I cannot control the way others act, only the way I react to them.
6. I will not message my friends when I see them on Grindr. No one wants a "Hey, girl!" Grindr message when they're looking for trade. Take it to Facebook and let me cruise in peace.
7. I will not take photos or videos of strangers in public and and post them online without their consent.
8. I won't eat that Klondike bar in the freezer that I did not buy, no matter how long my roommate is taking to get to it.
9. I will walk my dog for an extra five minutes, even though it's cold.
10. I will give everyone the benefit of the doubt, even when they don't deserve it.
11. I will make short-term, attainable goals that will positively impact my future and lay the groundwork for the larger, long-term plans I have for my life.
12. I will actually listen to someone's response when I ask a question.
13. I will give advice only when asked for it.
14. I will wipe down the machines at the gym after I use them.
15. I will not look at my phone immediately when I wake up in the morning, no matter how much I want to. Cher, give me strength.
16. I will accept that even though "Bodak Yellow" is the best song of 2017 and Cardi B is the president I wish I'd voted for, "Bartier Cardi" is terrible.
17. I will accept that Lady Gaga is a basic white woman who is no longer interested in being a freak or making music for freaks. Long live Stefani Germonatta.
18. I will fight harder for the causes I believe in.
19. I will block people I'm not interested in who message me on Grindr or just tell them no, no matter how much I desire validation and attention.
20. I will use my time and resources to support those most at risk in my community.

Happy New Year!