Six years ago, I published "17 Tips for Happier, Healthier Bottoming" in The Advocate - Out Magazine's sister publication -- and it blew up. I have been talking and writing about sex ever since, but on my sex advice blog, Love, Beastly, I still receive questions about that one.
That was 2016. A few months after that article was published, Donald Trump became the president. I wrote a very sexually explicit book, appeared on Netflix, and -- being the same age as Out -- turned thirty. I was a good bottom when I wrote that. I'm a better one now.
My tummy troubles got worse. Bottoming is not an easy, last-minute plan I can throw together like I did then. I could not understand why some folks found bottoming so difficult. I do now.
I am starting new sex-ed posts for Out -- like my Sexy Beast column in The Advocate -- so this felt like a good time to revisit an article (and activity) I love. Because bottoming is here to stay. It will always be fun. And it will always be a powerful act of queer insurgence.
Here are 13 new and improved tips for happier, healthier bottoming.
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1. What you eat matters.
Sorry to kids in their twenties: that iron gut is a perk of youth. Start taking probiotics and fiber supplements now and check how much processed food and sugar you eat, especially if you plan to bottom in the future.
My original article talked about fiber: how you should consume fibrous foods or fiber supplements daily (like over-the-counter psyllium husk, MetaMucil, or Pure For Men). But as I've grown, I've learned that fiber is not enough. You can't out-fiber a bad diet. The older you get, you might have to experiment to see what foods work best for your tummy.
Some folks naturally have "strong constitutions" as my grandmother would say. But if you have lots of anal sex and take antibiotics with some regularity (to treat sexually transmitted infections and other things), you will probably find that, over time, the gut doesn't run as smoothly as it did. So be nice to your bowels with a whole-food, low-inflammation diet.
I feel this matters even if you don't douche. Food affects gas, crampiness, energy, regularity, and irritation in the rectum. Regardless if I douche, my food choices affect how good I feel down there, which in turn affects my bottoming life.
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2. Douching isn't always mandatory.
Much of my original article was about douching, which is not mandatory to have great anal sex. Between that article and this one, I dated a man who preferred to clean up after sex instead of breaking the heat to clean out in the shower.
Douching has not always been a standard pre-sex ritual for ass play. I have investigated this a bit, and it seems douching grew more common in the wake of AIDS. Based on anecdotal information, queer men who played hard in the sex heydays of the '70s and early '80s douched rarely or never. It has been suggested that a cleanliness mania swept through gay circles after many men witnessed their friends die agonizing deaths (a standard symptom of AIDS is diarrhea). But that explanation feels too simple to me.
Widespread access to porn via the internet -- which generally presents gay sex as a clean, mess-free affair -- along with profits garnered by toymakers, sex suppliers, and wellness brands from selling douches, scrubs, balms, and other products that capitalize on our insecurity have collectively resulted in the widespread myth that a pristine hole makes a good bottom. I am breaking from that bullshit narrative.
Butts are butts. Your butt poops, but it also can give you full-body orgasms. Love it for both. Regardless if you douche, you should make peace with what anal sex is and be less afraid of something the body does in order to live. All animals poop.
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3. If you douche, expect your regimen to change over time.
A blunt fact: douching is bad for your gut heath. It can strip or at least destabilize the good bacteria you want in your gut. For this reason, minimal douching (less water going in you) is best. Regardless of what method you use now, it will likely change. This is why I no longer tell people the "best" way to douche: everyone's piping is different, so no method works best for everyone.
As your body changes, stay inquisitive. Try new douching methods and seek new information. When I think I've found the sacred way that works best, a friend tells me something new and useful.
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4. Use toys to give yourself killer butt orgasms.
If the pandemic taught us anything, it was the importance of self-pleasure. I have learned to see toy play (and toy training) like a gym membership: if I go too long between sessions, I will have to start small again and work my way back up.
Sometimes I need pleasure but don't want to go hunting for a top. Then I remember -- ta-da! -- how good I can make myself feel with a little music, a towel, and some lube.
Solo time with toys will make a difference in your bottoming life. You will learn what sensations you enjoy and what your anatomy is like. For example, thanks to toys, I learned my first chamber is pretty deep, which explains why I don't like depth. To please my second hole -- the sphincter between my first and second chambers -- something has to be extremely long. If it just hits the second hole but does not stay in it, the sensation is not pleasant -- quite painful, actually. This is useful knowledge. I now know what positions work best for me, how to hold my hips when I want to go deep, and how to make something feel better down there.
Some bottoms prefer the "full" feeling of butt plugs. Others like depth. Toys can help you learn your body and all your good spots -- which teaches you how to play with others.
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5. Stop repeating false myths about loose holes.
I receive many questions from folks who want to bottom but are scared of becoming "too loose." This is simply not how the butt works.
The ass is elastic. It tightens up every time - even after a hardcore fisting session. The myth of looseness comes from antiquated beliefs about harlots and streetwalkers: promiscuous women have literally been called "loose women" for centuries, though some prudish scholars will likely say this meant their morals were lax, not their p*ssies.
If "looseness" means "skilled," my p*ssy is loose. When you grow confident at bottoming, you get the ability to willfully open, relax, and take something big without pain. This is a skill. Confident bottoms have trained their muscles to do a job. The anal sphincter is one of the strongest muscles in the body. Training it to open for dick is just as impressive as having big biceps.
When folks fear looseness, I think what they really fear is incontinence, which usually only happens as the result of injury (though in some cases it is an intentional fetish that extreme toy pigs work for). If you play safely and sensibly and use lots of lube, you will never be incontinent. I have been fisting for a decade and am not incontinent. The muscles in my butt have just been trained to do some really cool things.
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6. Try topping. It will make you a better bottom.
When I was younger, topping was a chore -- obligatory, half-hearted. But in time, I realized my skills as a bottom made me a patient, considerate, and supportive top -- and a better bottom. With topping experience, I can now please a top better.
Banging bottoms has given me many tips and methods I have taken to my own bottoming life. From playing with stance to finding my center of gravity -- from pushing back versus staying rigid -- I have learned so much from f*cking awesome, talented men.
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7. The body cannot be fully controlled.
Some people think anal sex is a formula. If you plug in certain food and a certain amount of time douching, you will get certain results: x + y = easy, breezy bottoming.
This is false. Your headspace, stress, mood, environment, chemistry with your partner(s), and much else are all factors in bottoming, and these are things you cannot fully control. Some days you will do everything right but still can't relax into it.
Treat the body as an untamable animal. Sometimes it will surprise you. Other times it will frustrate you. You have a relationship with this strange, mysterious, untrainable thing that you must love and defend because it is your vehicle through life and no one else's.
Enjoy bottoming when it happens. Bottoming is hard, so every f*ck is a win. When it doesn't happen, you are not a failure. Your body is not broken. It is just being a body -- a wild animal with a name attached. Shrug your shoulders and do something else. Another fun night will come when the body will blow your mind.
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8. There’s nothing wrong with extreme, hardcore sex.
People love to pathologize desire. I have read so much bullshit about how kink comes from trauma, how promiscuous people have daddy issues or mommy issues, how people who like hardcore sex have violent tendencies, how fetishes make someone dangerous, and so on. If you ever read or see stuff like this, you can recognize it: complete and utter bullshit.
I have communicated with countless folks who have extreme, taboo fetishes -- many that would be illegal if acted upon -- who will never act on any of them. Yes, the evidence suggests trauma can result in sexual compulsions, but I believe the majority of kinky folks are just kinky -- no explanation needed. Baby, I was born this way.
There is nothing wrong with liking what you like. Some fetishes can't be lived without breaking the law, and it is illegal in the U.S. and elsewhere to own certain porn -- and even if you don't physically do anything, your internet activity can be tracked and flagged, which can cause headaches when you travel. But most people with unsanctioned fantasies keep their fantasies in the fantasy box. Luckily, if your kink is simply hardcore, degrading, intense, or anonymous sex, all that is legal -- so long as it is consensual -- and you are not sick or wrong for wanting it. You are just someone who likes hardcore sex.
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9. There’s nothing wrong with intimate, gentle sex.
Porn makes many people think their desires are too "basic" or "vanilla" to be interesting. This is also bullshit.
Just as there is nothing wrong with extreme sex, there is also nothing wrong with sweet, intimate sex at home in a bed. You like what you like.
If someone does not like what you like, they are not bad nor good -- they are just not for you. Move on. Live and let live.
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10. Get tested for intestinal bacteria and parasites.
In a standard STI panel, you will likely be tested for gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, and HIV. If you have lots of bareback sex, you should get an STI panel once a month or more. Ask your physician to test you for Hep C, especially if you enjoy higher-risk activities like fisting.
Sadly, in the U.S., gut bugs like giardia, shigella, H. pylori, C. diff, and others are not widely tested for or even known about -- but anyone who comes in contact with fecal matter during sex is at risk.
These gut things, while not explicitly considered sexually transmitted infections, run rampant among men who have sex with men and are severely under-treated. Most MSM should do a stool sample test ASAP, especially if they have frequent diarrhea, cramping, bloating, painful bowel movements, and other unpleasantries.
Make friends with a decent gastroenterologist and see them regularly. If you are HIV-positive like me, you are at higher risk of getting sick from these nasties, so this is very important for us.
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11. Shame is your enemy.
Some guys who have to use condoms because they are immunocompromised feel ashamed of this, due to the popularity of barebacking. And some people still shame bareback sex. And how many more jokes and jabs do I need to hear about drug abusers and meth? People struggling with substances need love and understanding, not judgment or mockery.
All these are examples of social shaming. Shame is a sickness. Shame keeps many queer men from bottoming and, indeed, from being openly queer. Every time you participate in shame -- even with the smallest, quippiest read in a gay bar -- you isolate and punish someone for being human.
Honesty, openness, and bravery are the antidote to shame. The most shameless bottoms celebrate their sex lives. What they do is very powerful: they give others permission to explore bottoming and they show the world a facet of sexuality that so often goes misunderstood and clouded by shame. Most grade-school jokes about gay men aren't really about gay men -- they're about bottoms. More powerful than any leader or institution, shame infects all cultures and kills so many people. If you're going to have a foe, take on the biggest.
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12. Sex drive naturally waxes and wanes. Enjoy the flow.
I have periods where I go wild and periods where I watch Netflix. That's my grownup sex life.
Sex is great, but a good night's sleep is pretty great, too. As you age, your sexual engine will naturally wax and wane. If you feel yours has waned too long, I strongly, strongly encourage you to get your hormones checked. Low testosterone is common for folks living with HIV.
Pressure to live the sex life you lived in the past causes needless anxiety. Be present with where you are now. The best advice I received from a mentor was simple: Never look back, only forward.
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13. Talk about bottoming with other bottoms.
Articles like this help (I hope), but when I need to talk about my tummy, my douching, my butt, or something else that makes me feel vulnerable, I have a small coterie of friends in my corner. They have taken care of me, f*cked me, loved me, watched TV with me, and become vital to my life. I would be lost without my bottom friends.
Share your experiences with your friends. Keep each other safe. Give guidance when you can. Hear guidance when it comes. This is a community. We take care of each other.
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