13 Times American Horror Story: Hotel Just Really Didn't Give a F*** (NSFW)

GIFs | Les Fabian Brathwaite

The fifth installment of Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuck's spooktacular anthology series American Horror Story debuted last night and for fans of gruesome violence, gratuitous nudity and over-the-top chiancery, it did not disappoint. Slip on your turbans and raid the minibar, kids, we're going to relive the 13 craziest, sexiest and most WTF moments from the season premiere of American Horror Story: Hotel.

1. Bates Hotel

Surly hotel manager Iris (Kathy Bates) has a fake smile with your name all over it.

2. New Butt

Oh, hey Schmidt. New Girl's Max Greenfield made a brief(less) but memorable cameo as a junkie who checks into the Hotel Cortez.

3. About Schmidt

And then he gets fucked to death. Literally. By someone/thing wearing a drillbit strap-on as Hypodermic Sally (Sarah Paulson) looks on.

4. Stuck in You

Though, that wasn't even the most gruesome death scene. It's bad enough you get your eyes and tongue ripped out, but being glued inside of a vagina for hours? I can think of nothing crueler--personally.

5. Booze Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

I'll say this, Denis O'Hare is a much more convincing Liz Taylor than Lindsay Lohan.

6. A Pace in the Sun

This show is epic just for the amount of time it dedicates to long walking shots and Liz isn't going to let a perfectly good hallway go to waste. Not when there's a caftan that's need billowing, sir.

7. Crack Kills/Bomer Alert

First I thought Matt Bomer was being coy with this half-assed ass shot.

Silly me. At this point, that butt has had more screen time than a black male character on pretty much any Ryan Murphy show.

8. Gagaface

The first we see of Lady Gaga's character, Elizabeth, the Countess, she's facedown in a mountain of cocaine like she's about to go down in a hail of bullets. Money can't buy you class but it can land half of Colombia up your nose.

9. They Shoot Horse, Don't They?

Speaking of cavalier drug use, this season of AHS focuses a lot on addiciton so saddle up--there's going to be more horse than the World Equestrian Games.

10. Three's Company, Four's an Orgy

I'd be remiss if I didn't give all the tens to the Lady's costume designer. From now on, I'm only wearing a tasteful veil to any and all orgies. Meanwhile, may 2015 go down as the Year of the Television Orgy:

I was getting a little bored, though, waiting for Gaga and Bomer to switch partners--you know, get all pansexual and Sense8 with it, but then things took a real turn.

11. Blood Romance

Turns out Donovan and the Countess are vampires, or something along those lines, and sex with them is the last thing you'll ever do.

Still, what a way to go.

12. Deathdrop

So, [non-spoiler alert] Sally and Donovan have been dead for 20 years. Just food, or heroin, for thought.

13. Jaw's All Folks

But nothing stays dead when Gaga's around, including this show. Though no Jessica Lange, Gaga's by far the best part of AHS: Hotel so far, slinking about like a slightly more unhinged Norma Desmond who would as soon slice your throat as look at you.

She's a lady after my own heart. And probably any other hearts she can get her claw on.

Judging from the first episode, this season of American Horror Story: Hotel is going to be batshit crazy. I was literally yelling through half of the episode because of how ridiculous and fun it was. I don't know if that will translate into quality television, but that's missing the point. This is spectacle for spectacle's sake and if there are two people who know how to put on a spectacle, it's Ryan Murphy and Lady Gaga--a match made in heaven...or rather, hell.

Les Fabian Brathwaite--a jawline for gays.