Here's the Advice Smithers Has For Gays Who Fall for Straight Men

There was a single moment in the life of Waylon Smithers, the long-suffering gopher to Mr. Burns on The Simpsons, that changed everything: when the sight of one man made him realize he was gay and then sent him on a decades-long journey of unrequited love.

Smithers, who identifies as a "Senior Executive Vice-President of Operations and Chief Compliance Officer" and uses the pronouns SEVP and CCO, spoke about that sexually-charged moment in an exclusive interview with Attitude.

"Well, I remember watching A Streetcar Named Desire and being unbelievably attracted to the hunk on screen who had such powerful, raw sexual energy -- Karl Malden, who plays Stanley's friend," Smithers revealed when asked of the first moment he realized he was gay. "I've had a poster of him in my bedroom ever since."

Sadly for Smithers, the love affair was entirely one-sided.

"No matter how often you think about him, no matter how many love letters you send, it will never be requited," Smithers lamented. "Because you will never be good enough for Karl Malden."

Smithers came out to his employer, the benignly evil Mr. Burns, in a 2016 episode of the show. Since then, he's had endured one failed romance, as well as several successful hookups.

"I've been on all the apps - the U.S. Male Service, Coffee Meets Naegle, Scruffman, Lard Dads, No Strings-Field, and Krusty Burger Presents Tasty Gay Hookups," Smithers said. "I've met a lot of my best friends on KBPTGH, actually."

In an episode that aired last November, the nerdy and loyal Smithers (voiced by Harry Shearer) was swept off his feet and taken around the world on a whirlwind romance by billionaire fashion mogul Michael De Graaf (voiced by the veteran actor Victor Garber). Both that episode and the groundbreaking 2016 episode were penned by longtime series writer Rob LaZebnik, who revealed he had an assist from his gay son, Johnny, in the creation of both episodes.

There's still a chance for a fairy tale ending to the romance of Smithers and De Graaf, but the bow-tied bootlicking Smithers has learned his lesson about loving Hollywood stars from afar.

"Maybe don't spend two decades of your life pining after someone who will never love you back," Smithers sighed when asked for advice to gay men loving straight men.

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