10 Things You Should Never Ask a Party Promoter

Photos from the DWorld Underwear Party by Ko

1.) "New York nightlife is dead" or "New York is dead," or any variation on that theme. The only person who wants to hear that they are working in a dead environment while at work is a mortician. And while it sometimes seems like that's where we are working, with everyone on Grindr at a club, it's still our job. You wouldn't walk into a bakery and tell the baker, "You must be dying now that everyone is gluten intolerant." Buzzkill!

2.) Do you have a drink ticket? I, in theory, don't mind people asking that, because most people don't actually have the nerve to ask. But at least say, "Hi," before you say it. And maybe pretend like you actually want to interact with me. On my new business cards, I want to print: Daniel Nardicio, Drink Ticket Dispenser.

3.) You've got to get a new DJ. While this generally only happens when I hire DJ Sammy Jo (kidding, just seeing if he reads my emails), a DJ is an extension of the promoters personality, and they are a major part of the vibe. Asking a promoter to change DJs is like saying: "Create a whole new event." If you don't like the music, you just don't like that party. Once I had a packed dancefloor and some guy came up and said, "You need to hire a new DJ," and I thought, What a great idea! What do these other 500 people not know that this guy knows?"

4.) Can you come outside and get me and my friends in? The answer is easy: No.

5.) Where can I get coke? Once again, most people dont have the nerve to ask, but those that do can be irritating, because they dont give up. All night long they check in to see if coke has arrived. I don't do coke; it's not really my party vibe (they're boozehounds). And I wouldn't be caught dead with a known dealer around: You might as well call the police on yourself. But these people don't give up. Why not just arrange getting it beforehand? I don't get to the airport and ask, "Where can I get a passport?" at customs.

6.) What time does the party start? On average, I get this email like 15 times the day of an event. Please note: Last time I checked, unless you are going to a Tea Dance, clubs opened at 11, and got going around 12:30 am, unless you are in P-town, where 12:30 am is last call, and you have to go out at 7 pm. This has always been and always will be.

7.) I hear The Pines is dead. I'm sure there are other promoters who may like hearing that their competition is dead, but i don't really much care. And i dont thrive on the knowledge that someone else is slow in order to feel good about being busy. I'd much rather hear: "this event is so much fun" than someone else is doing badly. once again, buzzkill.

8.) How much will your dancers charge to go home with me? Now, I know that some dancers are rentboys, and I know that some transactions happen, but, last I checked, this isn't Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, and I ain't Dolly Parton. If you want to see if they're available for hire, screw your courage to the sticking post and go up and say, "How much to go home with me?" Easy.

9.) No, I really love your parties. In theory, you'd think I love that. And I do, when it's said once. But there's always one drunk guy a night who says, "Daniel Nardicio, I love what you do." And I say, "Thanks, that means a lot," because I'm a polite Midwestern guy and it does mean a lot. Then, they go" NO! I really love your events- i really love them!!!" And then it goes on and on as if you are disagreeing with them. What is it about really drunk people that they talk like you're always disagreeing with them?

10.) You should do a party with _____ theme. I love ideas. I really do. I love them, and I pride myself on having some good ones now and again. But every yahoo with a really soft party theme feels the need to give them to me, which forces me to act like it's a good idea. Which is exhausting.

Once a guy came up to me and told me his idea for an event was a "business suit party" because he liked guys in business suits. I can't personally think of anything less sexy than a jacket and tie, but more than that, it would be impossible to get guys to dress up for any theme--unless it's cowboy (cause they can look hot), Toga (on Fire Island only, and because the cock has easy access) and a sports theme (once AGAIN because they can look hot, and it requires no effort).

Can you imagine me trying to force a business suit requirement??

That said, I do love the 99% of you who come up, spread good cheer, and occasionally have a complaint but state it in a way that's really positive and workable. So don't be afraid to come up and say, "Hi!" But no drink tickets!

Nardicio throws the weekly DWorld Underwear every Friday in Cherry Grove.