The Allure of the Butterfly Garden
I visited a local museum's butterfly garden on a lazy Sunday afternoon. After exploring the gaming exhibitions and a doll collection, walking through the garden felt like a dream—an enchanting forest as these spritely creatures fluttered about. The stark contrast between the warmth of the enclosed garden and the somewhat frigid temperature outside made it even more alluring.
Visitors also have the chance to see butterflies emerge out of their chrysalises. It's taken me nearly four decades to see this process happen, and sadly, I'll have to go there again for another opportunity. Though the internet is riddled with videos of this occurrence, I can only imagine the wonder and beauty of seeing a butterfly emerge in its new form.
After all, I did something very similar many years ago.
No wonder butterflies have become a potent symbol of the trans experience. Like a butterfly emerging out of its shell, trans folks know all too well the power of metamorphosis and self-discovery. Disclosure has the potential to further elevate our transformation.
What is Disclosing?
Merriam-Webster defines disclosure as the "act or an instance of making known something previously unknown or concealed." I prefer to think of it as a butterfly unfurling its wings to reveal its new, transformative self, the act of identifying as trans to a person or group. Whereas clocking reveals one's identity unwittingly, disclosing is quite the opposite. It allows a trans person to acknowledge our identity on our terms.
Whenever Auntie went out on the town with friends, there were occasions when I conversed with the stranger next to me. Sometimes, it complemented our outfit choices; other times, we discussed plans for the upcoming weekend. Then there were occasions where a conversation arose after a gentleman sent over a drink or shots–though, I wished it were snacks. The conversation could be nothing more than an introduction with harmless flirtation. But then there are moments where a gentleman asks for my number. Or more.
That's when I felt my insides twist and turn.
Why Choose to Disclose Your Transness?
Can disclosing be considered gender-affirming care? Well, sadly, I'm not a professional doctor. But I can attest disclosure is a form of affirmation. Even if people assume you're trans, speaking your identity into truth affirms your transness even more.
It can also build genuine friendships and relationships. I've been pleasantly surprised how disclosing has formed social bonds beyond the community. And not the "Oh, I have a Black trans friend" type, either. Genuine friendships are built on wanting to learn, support, and understand each others' experiences. And through these friendships, disclosing helps find those who will genuinely support and validate you. We live in an increasingly hostile world. Though it may be fearful to reach out to find a friend–an ally, a fellow agitator–we need networks that affirm and protect us from the outside.
Why Not Disclose?
There are many reasons some may not choose to disclose. First and foremost, safety. I acknowledge my privilege of living and writing from a blue state with protections for my gender identity. Transphobia is rife in many communities regardless of political leanings, but even worse in communities and states where trans safety and dignity are not guaranteed. While some may have the resources to move to safer areas, those without have to continue living in areas where being trans is met with fear, hostility, and violence. "Going stealth" is often the best way to survive.
Some may choose not to disclose due to personal boundaries. Like a butterfly, disclosing can make one feel highly vulnerable once revealed to the world. Preferring not to disclose isn't quite going back into the proverbial chrysalis. Still, it allows us to reaffirm our right to privacy even in our most intimate relationships. Non-disclosure also applies when it comes to the fear of discrimination or rejection. Not every person works in a trans-affirming job; not every person lives in an area where transamorous relationships could thrive. The fear of being discriminated against when it comes to employment, housing, medical care, or relationships based on gender identity still runs high.
Disclosing is an act of bravery. But bravery does not equate to living an easy or "soft" life.
When and How Should a Trans Person Disclose?
When and how to disclose your identity depends on several factors, from navigating workplaces to a budding friendship or relationship. But remember, these factors are based on your comfort and willingness to disclose to others. As for Auntie's advice, I have some tips for preparing, assessing, communicating, and evaluating when disclosing to someone.
Or, as I like to call it, here's how to P.A.C.E. yourself:
Preparation
- Prepare and practice what you want to say.
- Only disclose when you feel ready and comfortable.
- Set boundaries for the conversation.
- Don't feel pressured by others.
Assess
- Assess a safe place for the conversation. Sometimes, a private place can be ideal; other times, it is more comfortable in a public setting where other people are present.
- Consider the timing, environment, and the person you're considering disclosing to. Sometimes, it is fitting to disclose at dinner, and other times, during or after a movie or show.
- Evaluate the level of trust and closeness in the relationship.
- Think about the person's past behavior and attitudes towards LGBTQ+ issues.
Communicate
- Communicate clearly and directly, but also in a gentle and approachable manner. (The goal is to tell your story, not to lecture.)
- Consider the varying ways to disclose your situation, from verbal to written or through a trusted person.
- Use "I" statements to express your feelings and experiences.
- Be prepared to answer questions, but also set boundaries. (I choose not to answer sexual questions, regardless of intimacy.)
Evaluate
- Evaluate the response and consider it when preparing to disclose. (Trust me, disclosing isn't a one-time thing.)
- Give people the time and space to process.
- Acknowledge your feelings, process your emotions, and practice self-compassion and self-care.
- Seek therapy or counseling if needed.
Disclosing on Dating Apps: Is There Hope?
Like every lousy ex, I have a love-hate relationship with dating apps. There are periods when I delete them entirely off my phone. Then, like a late-night "hey" text, I find myself downloading them again.
Fortunately, in the digital dating age, disclosure is much easier and more convenient. Some apps, like Bumble and Tinder, allow you to disclose right on your profile, and there are apps like Taimi and Grindr where disclosure isn't necessary.
But even though my profile mentions I'm a trans woman and proudly includes either the trans flag or "I AM TRANS" in capital letters, there are men who look at my pics more than what my profile says of me. The results range from immediately 'unliking' my profile to "Oh, my bad; I didn't know" to outright and unnecessary harassment. Even on dating apps, disclosing is difficult when trying to bloom.
Fortunately, one app has devised an ingenious idea to remedy the situation.
Last month, Hinge launched a new feature called Match Note. Made to support the needs of "underrepresented daters," the app worked with organizations like TransTech Social and Disability:IN to learn and understand our unique challenges. Now, users can provide a note to potential suitors by sharing private details automatically, even before a conversation begins. The hope, Hinge aims, is to provide "greater agency and control over their dating journey."
I've tried this feature for about a week now. Honestly? The matches feel more intentional, and the repetitive task of asking if they've read my profile is gone. Sure, there have been a few trolls who want to "debate," but I prefer to let them argue with their friends and parents, not me. And then there's been some fantastic gentlemen along the way. One in particular set up a date at the nearby art gallery this weekend.
Though a trip to the butterfly garden may be in order.
Coming Out of Our Chrysalis
I doubt we'll ever read about an actual butterfly's emotional growth. But it would be a beautiful book if they grabbed a pen and started scribbling down. It would be a tale of learning to find their true, evolved self. It would be a story of how they were told they couldn't dream of reaching the skies but, through wonder and determination, did so. It would be a novel of dragging themselves through the dirt to grow into something awed and adored.
Over the years, the churning of my insides and the nervous building have given way to being calm and at ease. Partly, because I've P.A.C.E.'d so often, it's become like clockwork. But also because I've come to see disclosure not as a burden or weight to carry through my transition but as wings—ones that allow me to live in the sun of my truth and the warmth of my authenticity. Like the graceful butterfly wings, I've learned that disclosure doesn't weigh me down but allows me to fly in the breeze of my new womanhood, living the unimaginable and daring the impossible. And, once my wings spread, I have no desire to put them away.
So wherever you are in your journey, and whenever you choose to disclose, know that your transformation is always valid. And when you're ready to spread your wings, know that Auntie's here for you.
So fly high, loves.
xx,
Your Lovable Trans Auntie
Your Lovable Trans Auntie is our go-to advice column for life’s biggest (and messiest) questions—love, work, identity, and everything in between. With a signature blend of warmth, wit, and just the right amount of sass, Auntie offers readers a uniquely trans perspective that’s as affirming as it is entertaining. Whether dishing out heartfelt wisdom, practical advice, or a little tough love, Auntie is here to remind everyone that they’re never alone on this journey.
Got a crush but don’t know how to tell them you’re trans? Wondering how to deal with that coworker who still “forgets” your pronouns? Trying to navigate family drama, dating dilemmas, or just figuring out who you are? Auntie’s got you. Submit your questions to voices@equalpride.com.
