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Self-care is the magic to mending a broken heart, writes Antonio Pagliarulo.
Antonio Pagliarulo advises on solace in self-care, mindfulness, and knowing you're deserving of love.
For many, February holds a glimmer of hope — the pulse of love is in the air, courtesy of Valentine's Day. You can't walk into a grocery store or pharmacy without spotting a heart-shaped box of chocolates or coming across an image of Cupid, everyone's favorite cherub, poised to fire one of his arrows into someone's heart. But for countless people, the day of love has more to do with pain than pleasure.
The arrow is instead a kick in the teeth.
Maybe a relationship that you believed held promise came to a sudden and unexpected end. Perhaps you're still mourning a years-old break-up or lamenting that you haven't yet experienced the heady rush of love. Circumstances vary, but every broken heart speaks the same language, raising emotions we'd all not feel: anger, sadness, inadequacy, and the knives-out beast of self-doubt.
We can't help but question the source of the rupture, either.
In the hazy zone where uncertainty and obsessive thoughts collide, we wonder if something is wrong with how we look or act, if our jobs aren't meeting the status quo, or whether we should have worn black boots instead of loafers on that last date. Then there's the shadowy time that follows a break-up when we ponder what we did to cause the split or didn't do to save it. Ultimately, we forget that the person who didn't value us doesn't determine our self-worth.
As a folk magic practitioner, I often get asked for quick-fix remedies to dispense when the emotional upheaval of lost love hits home. Or for ways to ward off the possibility of falling in love again and thereby avoiding pain altogether. Ultimately, those who come to me seek a way to ensure the path to love runs smoothly. But as my Italian immigrant grandmother—who passed on many of my family's magical traditions—would say to those trying to avoid pain: questa e la vita. That's life.
After all, the internal landscape of a broken heart is messy. Still, we often ignore or dismiss the fact that grief also impacts our lives externally. When we're experiencing a sense of loss, our productivity wanes, we retreat from the world and often push away those who can hold us up. Many members of the straight community can lean on traditional structures for support. In contrast, many queer people are at odds with their families.
A broken heart can also lead to changes in the body, from weight loss or gain to fatigue and inexplicable pains. There's even a medical condition called Broken Heart Syndrome, which is essentially a sudden weakness of the heart muscle. The struggles of queer romance also compound a broken heart; internalized homophobia, insecurity, the roller coaster of the hook-up scene, and, for some, the fear of being outed often make for a nerve-wracking experience. And let's not forget that some pockets of society still believe that the queer community doesn't have the same right(s) to love the way straight people do.
But healing a broken heart isn't impossible. I know ofnumerous steps one can take to ensure that a broken heart doesn't negatively impact other areas of life. Queer spirituality, which encompasses the body, mind, and spirit while celebrating our identities, offers many paths.
While numerous healing modalities can help mend the pain of a broken heart, the greatest magic is letting go. What exactly does "letting go" mean? It doesn't start with forgiving the person who hurt you; it begins with recognizing where you are in your journey of self-awareness. Acknowledge that you feel rejected, angry, lonely, or sad. In doing so, you aren't admitting weakness but instead giving yourself space to experience the restorative power of stillness and rejuvenation.
In plain words, give yourself the gift of compassion.
Consider every aspect of self-care, especially the wellspring of tools within you. Mindfulness plays a key role in healing. Begin the process of letting go through introspection and gently asking yourself what you want out of a relationship or if you want one at all. Sometimes, the most incredible realization is that you control your happiness and don't require another person to fill the empty spaces of your heart.
Consider the following practices as you work on letting go and healing your heartache.
Often considered a form of meditation, this practice is more than just leaving the house and heading for a brisk stroll. Mindful walking is about paying close attention to your thoughts and feelings as you move. Are your anger or sadness dissipating? Is your immediate environment looking clearer and encouraging you to move at a slower pace? This allows you to tune in to your body, acknowledge your feelings, and then release them. If you can't go for a Mindful Walk, consider sitting in nature or green spaces conducive to healing and connecting with yourself. Relax and let your body release all tension and feelings of discord.
A surefire way to regulate your emotions, journaling requires little more than putting your thoughts and feelings on paper with free-flowing ease. What are you feeling? Why are you feeling it? What do you want to say to the person who broke your heart? If you're feeling down because you're spending another Valentine's Day single, list your attributes and affirm your fabulous qualities on the page. Journaling is the most private of conversations. Notice how you feel after getting everything out in writing. More relaxed? More relieved? Now, they burn the pages and feel the magic of letting go.
In addition to being one of the most remarkable examples of the Divine Feminine, Saint Mary Magdalene is the patron saint of broken hearts. No, you don't have to be Catholic to call on her. She was once human, just like you, and your desire for otherworldly assistance is all that is needed. Consider lighting a white candle, sitting in front of it, and asking Saint Mary Magdalene to help heal your broken heart by showing you the best way to let go of your anguish.
Above all, stop judging yourself and whatever actions led to your broken heart or (seemingly) absent love life.
When you feel strong enough to do so, releaseyour pain. Forgiveness might feel downright impossible, and not only is that okay, but it might well be true. Forgiving the person who hurt you isn't necessary to let go and be healed. Instead, when you release the pain,yougive yourself to the love of self. The alchemy of knowing your worth, your unique place in the world, and that you alone model the love you need.
And if all else fails, buy yourself a box of chocolates and binge-watch Luke McFarlane romcoms to your heart's content.
Antonio Pagliarulo is the author of The Evil Eye: The History, Mystery and Magic of the Quiet Curse and the forthcoming The Queer Saints: A Radical Guide to Magic, Miracles and Modern Intercession.
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