White Lotus S3E5 recap: Ladyboys and brotherly love

Editor's note: This article contains spoilers for episode 5 of The White Lotus season 3, titled "Full Moon."

Episode 5 opens in a frenzy. Gaitok is in a full panic after discovering the security gun is missing. He eventually remembers to check the surveillance footage and discovers the culprit: Timothy Ratliff.

Good ol' Tim, who knows prison is waiting for him back in the U.S., is clearly spiraling, and the lorazepam in Victoria's bloodstream is running on fumes. Naturally, Piper picks this moment to tell her parents that she's moving to Thailand to become a Buddhist. She also admits there is no thesis to work on.

They take it about as well as you'd expect two of North Carolina's elite would, with Victoria shutting it down completely. "You can be interested in this stuff, but you can never be it. We're from an entirely different world."

Victoria also might not know where they actually are, because she later exclaims, "You want to live in Taiwan?"

Well, no.

Meanwhile, Lochlan, Saxon, Chelsea, and Chloe are having their own full moon party back on the boat. If we learned anything from this last season, it's that nothing good happens on a boat (RIP Tanya).

Chloe is into Lochlan for some reason, and Saxon is hyping his brother up to go after her.

"It's better to get what you want in life and get rejected than have the shot and not take it," he says.

"But what if this life is just a test to see if we can become better people?" replies Lochlan.

Saxon, who clearly doesn't do much critical thinking, is baffled by the idea, but its nice to see Lochlan does actually listen to his sister.

The booze keeps flowing until Chloe presents them all with a mystery party pill. Saxon is hesitant ("I am the drug," he proclaims) while Lochlan quickly pops the pill into his mouth. The three apply peer pressure onto Saxon till he gives in too. Their wild night is just getting started.

"I don't normally take drugs so don't take advantage of me," Saxon warns.

Meanwhile, Jaclyn, Kate, and Laurie are partying with Valentin and his jacked Russian childhood besties who (I don't mean to stereotype here) have quickly become my prime suspects for the jewelry store robbery in episode 2. The girls are blinded by their sequinned Ed Hardy shirts and abs, which is... understandable.

The six of them hit the dance floor together and Jaclyn seems to get off on making a group of three girls watching them jealous. But why is she so pleased that they're looking? Is she getting off on their jealousy? Or is there some bisexuali-tea in the air?

There's a confrontation. The girls Jaclyn was eyeing begin yelling at the Russians. They agree to go, but to Kate's dismay, they invite the Russians back to their villa.

Now that she knows about Tanya's drowning, Belinda is convinced Greg has something to do with her death and is getting more panicked by the second, especially once she hears Greg has asked the concierge about her.

He's absolutely no help, but luckily, Pornchai is here to protect her – whether that's from a Greg or a giant lizard hiding under her wardrobe. He spends the night with her, and the two even share a kiss.

Victoria keeps pressing Piper about her desire to spend a year in Thailand, insistent that this could be a sex cult. Piper denies the accusation with, "The monk has written major books!'

Parker Posey then gives us another excellent line reading: "Charles Manson wrote books. Bill Clinton wrote books. The list goes on! Hilary Clinton wrote five books!"

Her mind.

Rick is in Bangkok meeting up with an unnamed old friend who brings Rick "what he asked for," whatever that means, then proceeds to give the strangest monologue of the entire series.

"I moved here because I had to leave the States, but I picked Thailand because I always had a thing for Asian girls. When I got here, I was like a kid in a candy store. Got money, no attachments, nothing to do, and I started partying, getting wild. I was picking up girls every night. Always different ones, petite ones, chubby ones, older ones, always different ones, and sometimes multiple ladies a night. I was out of control. I became insatiable. You know, after about a thousands nights like that I started to lose it. I started wondering where am I going with this? Why do I feel the need to f--- all these women? What is desire? The form of this cute Asian girl, why does it have this grip on me? Because she's the opposite of me? Is she gonna complete me in some way? I realized I could f--- a million women and I'd still never be satisfied. Maybe, maybe what I really want is to be one of these Asian girls. You know?

"One night, I took home some girl turned out to be a lady boy which happened before but this time, instead of f---ing the lady boy, the lady boy f---ed me. It was kind of magical. It got in my head that what I really wanted was to be one of these Asian girls getting f---ed by me, and to feel that. So I put out an ad looking for a white guy my age to come over and f--- me. That guy looked a lot like me. Then I put on some lingerie and perfume, made myself look like one of these girls. I thought I looked pretty hot. Then this guy came over and railed the s--- out of me. Then I got addicted to that. Some nights three, four guys would come over and rail the s--- out of me. Some I even had to pay. And at the same time, I'd hire an asian girl to just sit there and watch the whole thing. I'd look in her eyes while some guy was fucking me and I think, I am her and I'm fucking me.

The man concluded, "Hey, we all have our Achilles heel man. Where does it come from? Why are some of us attracted to the opposite form, while some of us the same. Sex is a poetic act. It's a metaphor. A metaphor for what? Are we our forms? Am I a middle aged white guy on the inside too? Or inside, could I be an Asian girl? I don't know. Guess I was trying to fuck my way to the answer. Then I realized I gotta stop the drugs, the girls, trying to be a girl, I got into Buddhism which is all about spirit versus form, detaching from self, getting off the never ending carosel of lust and suffering. Being sober isn't so hard. Being celibate though, I still miss that buzzing, man."

Wow. We're just as baffled as Rick. But he secures the gun he came to this meeting for.

Jaclyn, Kate, and Laurie wrap up their evening with the Russians. Kate isn't drinking and has been ready for them to go, and the trio departs after the girls promise to attend their boxing match the following day.

But despite Jaclyn pushing Laurie to hook up with Valentin, she discreetly invites him back to the room for some sexy time. We're grateful for the great shot of Valtentin's butt, but it's not lost on us that Jaclyn's betraying two people at once – Laurie and her boyfriend back home.

Back on the boat, Chloe says something quite foreboding as she considers pushing things further with Lochlan.

"Gary might kill me," she tells Chelsea. "I honestly think he's capable of it. But right now, that's a chance I'm willing to take."

It wouldn't be the first time.

Drunk and high, Chelsea and Chloe kiss, then Chloe pulls in Lochlan to make out. Saxon cheers on in glee, then the girls pressure the two brothers to kiss. Lochlan doesn't have an issue with it and leans in quite casually, even pushing it past just a peck on the lips as the girls squeal and laugh. It could just be a silly moment (?), but Saxon seems genuinely affected by the affection, his face is visibly shaken. We'll see how he feels about this in the morning...

And Timothy, dramatic as ever, has begun writing his suicide note while wearing his Duke University t-shirt, just to make sure that everyone knows his alma mater when his body is found. He holds the gun up to his head and seems like he's genuinely about to pull the trigger until Victoria walks in. Moment averted as she goes back to bed, and Timothy concludes the episode with a come-to-Jesus moment.

"Please, God. Please," he begs. "Tell me what to do. Please."

HBO's The White Lotus season 3 drops new episodes every Sunday on Max.