Let the Hotel Shenanigans Begin!

Confession: Though my main gig is as a writer, the wages from this alone can't support my New York existence. Carrie Bradshaw lied to all of us and if you don't believe me, I'd like to introduce you to my two roommates and lack of clothing not from Good Will.

So when I'm not keeping you up to date with hard-hitting stories on hipster porn festivals and the sexualities of your favorite television characters, I'm a bellman at a small boutique hotel in Manhattan.

I say this not to brag--who doesn't want to live the face-paced, high-octane life of a bellhop--but display my bonafides as I critique Marriott's action-packed (no, seriously) short film Two Bellman. So here goes:

1. According to Variety, the film "revolves around two hotel employees of the JW Marriott Los Angeles at L.A. Live as they try to thwart an art heist." I make $13 an hour. For $13 an hour, I thwart nothing.

2. Knowledge of parkour, martial arts, or free running is not a prerequisite to be a bellman. The only prereq is being able to lift a suitcase and convincingly pretend to care how somebody's from Omaha flight was.

3. We don't all wear the little hats. I've asked; they won't let me.

*That's $2 per-bag or at least a five-dollar bill...